It's going to be a great year that 2016!

I got my confidence back today. I don't know why it came from or why it came back but it did. I really didn't even know it was missing. But I dressed up and got ready for work like I havnt been able to do. I have been stuck in the "bun zone" mostly because I didn't care and today I cared. I won't let it go and I definitely won't let any one take it from me! 

Great thing happened at work today! A guy came in just to ask me out! How sweet is that! I gave him my number :) so we will see how it goes. We will call him black jacket! Cause unless I'm loosening it that's what he was wearing!

The cutest thing happened today! This little girl was pulling her families cart out the door and the alarms went off she shoved that thing so far and ran out the door. Her mom was like you didn't steal anything get back in there! It was adorable! 

And double wow wa when boss guy totally manned up and made this guy empty his pockets because he caught him stealing alcohol! Very attractive! And of course he ran his hands through his hair a couple more times for me <3 

#isitthatobvious!?

Apparently it is obvious to everyone but hash tag that I like him... 

After my pick up foot and insert into mouth moment the other day regarding his lack of girl friends, I figured ignoring him was my best option because he obviously wasn't getting the hint and I was just going to get in trouble. 

Well in the pharmacy today we got to talking about ages and MC says he is 31 and I was like hey my "baby daddy" is 30. (Btw I hate calling him that!) Anyways he was like hey boss guy is your age. And that was it the perfect opportunity for a pick up my foot and insert into mouth moment. I stood there like a deer in the headlights and felt the red creeping up my neck and I  saw the moment the lights went off in his head. And he was like ohhhhhhh haha I didn't know that.

Of course then the snowball effect came into play and weirdbeard was like who we talking about. And now I give it 24 hours max before it gets to EVERONE IN THE STORE!!! Lucky me. Get into trouble for a guy who doesn't even like me. This is the story of my life. 

Old fashion

So you know that guy I was telling you about subtly in a poem that did make since. Well I like him...a lot. And I'm sure an idiot for a few reasons. One I say a lot of stupid stuff around him. For instance I sent him an email on Facebook that said the following...

So was the part about you never having a girl friend true lol. 

And yes I actually said lol. I mean I have never talked to this guy outside of work. And then that's what I come up with. Open mouth insert foot...and of course I don't need to mention he read the message and didn't answer. 

But on a different but related note we watched the movie old fashion tonight and it was good. I mean it makes me depressed to see movies about the kind of guy that went extinct a long time ago. I mean guys don't even hold the door open let alone treat you like your anything other then meat. Shoot I can't even get them to pay for the date. What's wrong with society and where have all the good guys gone?

Where are the guys who want to get to know you? 

Where are the guys who treat you like a treasure? 

Where are the guys who make you feel loved? 

Where are the guys who will wait? 

Where is my guy? 

Is he even out there. (And does he have kinda long hair with a habit of running his hands through it?)

Blocked again.

Ok so let me give you a little back story. 

Once upon I fell in love for the very first time. It was a rocky road but an all together great adventure. We shared many many memories I will cherish forever. Things ended badly very badly. Like burning your favorite meal on the Friday night before your birthday kinda bad. To make a long story short the new girl hated me. With good reason and then I moved away. This is the part of my life where I moved to Arizona to have yet another adventure where I fell in love with the wrong guy and yet again it ended badly. Well anyways here I am back in my good ol home town of poplar bluff mo. Sure do I get reminded of that first love all the time absolutely. I remember him get pulled over in the dealer parking lot for going WAY over the speed limit and yet talking him self out of it. I remember sitting on the front porch in that porch swing and sharing our first kiss. I remember meeting him for the first time when he helped put our tent up at Mariah and then sitting around a Bon fire for hours getting eaten alive by Mosquitos. I remember riding to school together and riding the back roads. I remember him always going to fast even when I hated it. I remember going to the radio station with him or cruising through the parking lot to see if he could catch one of his boys. I remember riding with his parents to go watch him play foot ball. I remember our first real fight and hitting the dog on the way to his birthday party. I remember hating him and loving him and telling him everything. But the funny thing is when I look back at the person I was back then it's no where near the person I am today. And I'm pretty sure he is probably a different person too. Have you ever heard the song I got the boy? That reminds me of him big time cause it proves I got the boy and so one else got the man. So yes I will always cherish those memories but no I don't want to make anymore with the man that I don't even know. So you can calm down there is no need to block me from your life. I'm not a threat I promise. You don't even know who I am anymore. Your unforgivness is only hurting yourself. 

#the struggle is real

This is my mental conversation with my self walking though Walmart. 

"Mmmmm a salad sounds good"

"Well if I go to mcdonalds I have to have fries"

"I'll just get a small"

"Who gets a small fry!?" 

*opens door* 

"maybe just a side salad and a medium fry" 

"I don't need a drink I got one in the car" 

*got what I came for* 

"Yes I'll get a fry and a side salad"

"I'm not even hungry" 

"I don't need anything"

 

"Nah I'm not going to get anything"

 

*pays at checkout*

"Yep I have spent enough I'm just going to go" 

*walks up to McDonald's counter*

" yea I'll take a mc double and a small fry please" 

-.- the struggle is real folks. 

10 more things you didn't know about me

1. My dad adopted me when I was 7. 

2. I work at the corner of happy and healthy. 

3. Since high school I've never been single more then a month or too. 

4. My middle name is Michelle. 

5. I once hit a guy on a scooter and broke both his arms. 

6. I once worked for the Salvation Army. 

7. I signed over the title of my car to me ex boyfriend. 

8. I live in a three bedroom house with 6 people. 

9. I've never been to a midnight premier. 

10. I once told someone who was being mean to me at least I have a mom. 

A letter destined for the future take two

Dear future husband, 

It's been awhile since I wrote you. I didn't think I could be more broken then I already was...but I am. I am not as confident you even exist. I'm not even sure I am capable of being loved. The walls around my hear are now incredibly high and I'm not sure you will be able to get in. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the times I thought I was in love only to give my self to some one who is not you. I am just so desperate to find you. So desperate to find someone who will love me for me and actually treat me like a decent human being. I need you more then you will ever know. I need you to be patient. I need you to be loving. And I probably need more of you then anyone should ever ask. But this broken heart needs healing. I also have a son now. He is gorgeous. His name is Parker Lawrence. Named after my grandpa. I need you to love him too. To give him a father. The one thing I can't provide. I know I'm asking a lot of you but if you really love me you will do all of this anyway. Please be patient with me when I'm upset or scared. I don't know how to be anything else anymore. I said I promised to treat you like a king and I promise I will try but I don't know if I can do that. I don't know if I'm capable of giving someone so much love again only to get my heart crushed. You will be the final piece of my puzzle I have always been looking for. And I hope that means you will be able to heal this broken heart. To lead me with grace and strength. To be the strong hand that I need in my life. And in my sons life. For now I'm just waiting for you. I'll pray for you. I already believe in you. That you can be this man I need so don't be scared I will be there to hold your hand. If you need a little healing too that's ok we can do it together. I'll love you always. 

Your forever and always.