Scenes from a not so single pregnant girl

Tip one: dont get pregnant. Ive thrown up 19 times just today. I think im dieing.

So to make a long story short. I met the man of dreams and started on the rollar coster we call love. He met my parents, asked me to marry him, we got pregnant. And now here we are still in love but me horribly dieing. Im going to start writing more just to fill in the gaps of all this missing time.  Ive missed you all and more still to come!!

Update: I don't know what love is anymore if it was not what I saw in him. I knew when we met that he was a recovering addict I just never thought that it would effect us. I still love him with all my heart and I worry about him every day. But I had to make a tough decision and get my son out of a dangerous situation. We are safe now and away from him. I dread the day somthing happens and I get a call. I know he is headed down a very narrow road. I just hope one day be can find his way back. Maybe not to me. But to sobriety and safety. I could use some support from you guys though! Feel free to email me at Briana.freeland2@gmail.com and let me know you are listening! Much love! 

This crazy life

I think it's crazy how all around me the world keeps spinning. I look through my Facebook friends and they are all getting married and starting families and then there is me. 

There is silly little me standing in a crowd of men and I fall in love with the one guy I can't have. But what I don't understand is how his lips make me melt in a way I have never melted before. All of the facts. All of the signs point to certain disaster but instead of building my walls higher they have all come down. 

His smile makes me dizzy and those lips God those lips. I just can't get enough. I want all of him I physically hurt to hold him. To kiss away his pain would heal my own damaged heart. 

His skin against my skin is like heaven threaded into the sheets of my bed. Ever since he kissed me oxygen just seems useless like if I could just kiss him forever I would never need to breath. Everything about him is perfect. I can't imagine why any one would ever put him down. I won't to tell him how perfect he is to show him what it's like to be loved. But he won't let me in. A broken relationship has built walls around his heart and it's been too soon. He wants to find himself. I just wish I could tell him how perfect he is right now. How amazing he is right now. 

I need him more then water. 

I'm hopelessly and completely in love. 

If I had a dairy

If I wrote in a journal everyday this would be today's entry:

Dear Diary,

I know that life can somtimes be tough and that people are never perfect, but my heart can't really take much more!

There are two men that I spend time thinking about. Both are very different people.

One is older. He is quite and shy. When I do get him to talk it is always wise words. He is handsome....so very handsome. His smile makes his eyes crinkle and I love it! His laugh gives me shivers. He shares in my kind and generous spirit, which makes me conclude we would work well together.

One is younger. He out going and loud. He raps and makes jokes all the time. He is so fun to be around and gosh darn it he is SOO cute! He just looks so cuddle able! We have even shared a kiss. A very very very good kiss. He pulled me in like he didn't want to let go and I play that moment in my head time and time again. Now every time I am with him its all I can think about! 

When I am around the older one I get tongue tide, he makes me so nervous. I find it hard to breath around him and heaven for bid if I try to look at him for more then 2 secs! I can barley look him in the eyes! And then there is the fact that he is with someone. And even though I have expressed my feelings towards him he continues to lie about it.

When I am around the younger one there is never a dull moment! We text consistently. There hasn't been a day gone by when I haven't spoken with him. And when I get the nerve to kiss him he kissed me back and hard! And even though we have shared that kiss and I have expressed my feelings towards him he continues to return to his ex girlfriend who has cheated on him and lives far away!

This makes me feel so BLAH. Like I am not good enough. Like I am being used and abused! And I hate it. Lately a lot of people in my life has made me feel like this. I am tired of doing everything for other people and never getting anything in return! It makes my heart hurt and tired.

I don't want to rush it, but I REALLY do want to find that someone I can spend the rest of my life with!

Sincerely

One lonely, single girl 

Some Poems From The Past

I think some of my poems from my past really show some of the deeper parts of my soul. Be forewarned some of them are rough and edgy. These were from when I first started writing. And while I don't claim to be fantastic at writing now some of then were pretty bad then.

The Eleven 

The started out eleven 

All together and living happily

 But then one day

Was born a tragedy 

A sixteen year old boy 

Part of the eleven 

Was in a fatel crash

And the first called to heaven 

The remaining ten now carried on 

Carried on with life 

The women getting husbands

The men getting wives 

Later on in life

The tears were shed again 

Another one gone

Another brother another friend 

Its time for another to go 

To  join the others 

In a beautiful place

Reuniting with parents and brothers

Tears will fall 

As she is leaving 

But we have to go on

Go on believing 

Believing we can be happy

No matter what happened

Believing its ok to be sad

When someones life ends

God will call them all home

Reuniting the final eleven 

That beautiful day 

That day in heaven 

That was a story I had written for my great aunts funeral. My grandma being out of 11 brothers and sisters. I will edit and add on as God calls them all home. 

Untitled 

I will go threw each day 

With a smile on my face

My chin held high 

Never slowing my pace

My eyes will never leave 

This goal of mine

I will focus on that 

Only then will I be fine

This next one comes with a dark warning. It comes from a time in my life when writing was the best way to release the darkness. Sometimes it still is. The out come however is sometimes very cruel and dark like this one. 

Save Me 

As I watch the rain hit the window sill 

Memories come swirling in my head

 Salty water droplets seep into my mouth 

The dark empty house was quite 

But the screams inside my head were unbearable 

Being everything to everyone is not easy

There was a slow painful breaking inside 

There was nothing more I could do in this world

A cut just a little bit deeper, just a little but longer 

A little more pain for an enternity if peace 

The sharp metal pierced my skin

The dark, warm, sweet liguid seeps form the cut

The last of my life dropped to the floor 

The screaming in my head got quite 

I smiled, my life flashed before me 

The walls and the floor swirled and I fell 

I fell into the darkness forever more 

Why didn't you save me 

A Happy Moment

This morning I woke up and depression hit me like a freight train. I was in a very dark place where it seemed I was even seeing in black and white. I was angry, sad, confused, and heart broken all at the same time. I didn't want to eat and it physically hurt just to be awake. I was nitpicking my life from every angle down to every last detail. I was tearing about relationships in my head and drowning everything in grey. I went to work like this with the "monster" rousing in my stomach.

Then I started talking to my friends. Emsley and B. They gave me some of the most amazing advice and most importantly their time. They didn't make my struggle seem small or insignificant but real. This was B's reply when I told him that it was depression that had me in such a rotten mood.

"Life can be rough!! Yes just an overall feeling with no rhyme or reason. Don't let it spiral too far. Feel it then move on. Can't control how you feel just the way you react. Shit sometimes you just got to fake it cause fake happy is way better then real sad."

I love my friends and I don't know what I would do without them!

The monster is caged right now. I can feel it still struggling to get out but I am a firm control and a desire to keep it down. And all because my friends were there and WANTED me to be happy.

That is the best feeling in the world!

Pima County Fair!

I can now cross off seeing a country concert off my bucket list. It was awesome. Lee Brice was amazing. But I am going to have to say my friends are better! We had a great time riding rides and eating lots of fried food! Fantastic!

We had two seats next to me and "A" and we decided that we were going to tell people that the seats were saved until two hots guys came by so we could tell them that we saved them some seats. But of course that didn't happen, plus we all know I wouldn't have had the courage any ways.

I did buy a gigantic thing of fried pickles but when I couldn't eat them all I gave them to this really cute cowboy :D

I got hit on! Well it was by a drunk guy who was like a foot shorter then me, but at least it was something.

So my dreams of finding a cowboy at the fair didn't come true! But my dreams of having some amazing friends come true every day!

Loving life day by day!

A Poem: A Kiss Shared With A Heart Unprepared

I went in for the kiss
Just to prove I could do it
And pulled away
With a frantic heart.

I didn't know you
Would kiss me too
So when you pulled me close
My resolve fell apart.

I don't know
If we will ever share
Another kiss
Or be so close.

But I just want you
To know
That when our lips touched
I felt it all the way to my toes.

Your amazing
And one of my best friends
So I hope you know
That you will succeed in all you do.

So keep spitting those rhymes
And making all those jokes
And what every you do
To your own self be true.

I may never be the one for you
And we never be an "us"
But I will never regret
The time we shared a kiss.

So glad you are my friend
And that our lives
Brought us together
Its memories in bliss.

A Poem: Beauty in Words

My fingers falter
As I decide on the words
That will adequately describe my heart.

When all I can remember is broken
And all my love has scared
I fear it was broken from the start.

The pieces that remain
I strain to hold onto
I fear they no longer fit.

The fire that once
Held strong in my belly
Holds flames barely lit.

The happiness that once
Shined behind my eyes
Has dulled to a shadow.

My battle scars lining my wrist
And decorating my thighs
From the fights from below.

The darkness remains
Lingering in my deepest part
Threatening to take hold.

But the light triumphs
Over everything
Always daring to be BOLD.

I may be broken
And constantly be in battle
With myself and the world.

But I will not back down
As the words trapped inside
My heart become unfurled.

My fingers slide easily
Over the keys
The truth more comfortable.

When speaking my heart remains
But when coaxed to be written
Out my words will tumble.

Writing is a beautiful thing
And a tool
I will always hold dear.

Because no matter how long I stare
Or what words I say
I will never see beautiful in the mirror.

But I can make beauty
With my words.

Another Reason Why I Am Single

Alright so I am sure you all remember the guy I was writing about yesterday...Well today we are talking and he mentions after work he had a hot date (He gets off pretty late, which is something you will need to know later on.) Hearing that felt like getting punched in the gut. No there isn't anything between us hindering either one of us from seeing other people. I'm not even all together sure he knows  I am interested in him. Regardless jealousy raged its ugly head deep in my stomach.

I text Emsley straight away and was like whoa is me! He is so out of my league, blah, blah, blah. And then it dawned on me. We had hung out the other day and he made the same comment only he was talking about having a date with his BED! It was a hand to forehead kind of moment. I'm pretty sure my face was bright red and even jealousy went and hid in a corner!

I'm pretty sure I made a fool of myself with comments on that one!

These are the reasons why I am single!

Comment!

First Day Back

Well after my one hell of a week I had my first day back at work today. And even though my best friend called in today because her truck broke down down town I was in an un natural good mood. Maybe God knew I needed a week off from that place before I tore someones head off.

Funny thing happened today. This old guy came through my drive thru with his wife in the passenger seat. I leaned out the window to give him his change and he said "My you are a pretty thing how old are you?" I answered him "20" And he replied "Damn if I wasn't so old and if I hadn't been married for 55 years I would hit on you.

Another Funny Thing. About 20 mins before we closed a car pulls through drive thru and we ask them what they want and they din't order food but asked "Is there a Jack n the Box close by?" I don't know why I found that so funny. But who comes to McDonald's and asks for Jack n the Box.

So I don't remember if I wrote about this much. But I am pretty sure that I mentioned it. There is this guy I like. And I get to see him a lot and a bunch of us hang out and go bowling and stuff. My favorite thing is his smile. It crinkles his eyes and spreads to his whole face you just cant help but smile too. I have never had a problem flirting before but I just cant do it with him. I can barely even look him in the eye. Every time he tries making eye contact I quickly look away. Its like my mind and body completely shut down when I am around him.

He is completely amazing. He is strong willed and caring. He has the same heart for people that I do. He comes from a broken past which makes him all the more attractive to me. He is VERY physically attractive. I think my problem is I think he is out of my league. On top of the fact I don't think my feelings towards him are mutual.

O the problems of single life!

I would like to see some comments so I know that my blog is being read!

A Letter Destined For The Future

Hello my love,

      By the time you will have found me, I will be broken. I am broken. I lost all dreams for a future so true and fairytale like. I have ran hard away from any real "love" thats found its way into my heart. Though I know deep down you will hold on and never let go. I know that it will be hard and I wont make it any easier. I am difficult and wary of "forever." But I want to let my self love again. I want to fee connected in a way I could never be connected but to you. I want to let my walls down and let you into the deepest parts of my heart.
       I can say I want these things, and I do, but I wouldn't know where to start. So when you find me. Take it slow. Sweep me off my feet. Knock down these walls and mend my broken heart. Show me I am capable of love again. We will have forever so I am begging you not to rush things. I know that you are human and that you are male and you are built to be physical. But that part of me is scarred beyond belief. Please, love me enough to wait. To not push me. I realize you were born for dominance. But take the time to know my heart before we take that step into intimacy. I am woman and I am fragile.
         Try and be patient. For I will try and run and tell my self that this love can not be true. You will likely see me break down and cry because my mood swings are quite persistent. I might take a lot of work...I will take a lot of work. But I know you can handle it because you were made for me. You can see the diamond under neath. And when you knock down those walls you will experience a love so explosive its only seen when two soul mates connect. I will love you like a King, because I know that you will treat me like your Queen.
          I apologize for the past that has wrecked my heart and built these walls brick by brick. But I do not regret it. My past has made me who I am today. This person that you will fall in love with. And I like the person that I am. No I am not perfect and there are many changes that I am working on every day. But you will complete me and help me to be the person I am meant to be. I have big dreams and I know you will be there every step of the way to hold my hand. Just as I will support you in every dream you have. We were made for each other. I realize that you might have made some decisions that you are not proud of too. But its ok I forgive you. I wouldn't have you any other way. You were fearfully and wonderfully made just for me. I believe that with all my heart. The heart that belongs to you. I know that I have not met you yet because God is still working on you and on me. Preparing us for the challenges that we will face together and the challenges that will be each other. But when we are both ready I know God will send you my way. And I could not be more excited to see out love story unravel.

Your Forever and Always

Near Death Experience

Well today was definitely a lot more interesting then yesterday. I went to bed last night with an awful headache. It kept me up through out the night. When I woke up my stomach was hurting REALLY bad (womanly issues.) I was also throwing up! Disturbing image I know! Well anyways I didn't think anything of it I figured that I was just throwing up because of the pain. So I got in the car and headed to work. I was ok until I got to the stoplight right in front of my work. I remember slowing down to get into the turn lane and the next thing I know I wake up staring at dessert. And I look out my window and there are people running towards the car yelling call 911. It was really scary. The ambulance got there and my pain was still almost unbearable. They were asking me all these questions I didn't want to answer. I just wanted to lie down. And well apparently my body did too. Cause I passed out again! This time when I woke up I freaked out. It felt like I was coming out of a dream. And I didn't know where I was or how I got there. I was throwing up as they lifted me on to the gurney and my grandma was running up to the car.

The feeling of not being able to remember something just feels wrong. I know God must have been watching over me today because I went through a stoplight and down the road before I ever went off the road and I never hit any one and there is no major damage to the car. Thank fully it happened when I was already slowing down at the light and not when I was going 50 just a few mins before! Its amazing that I made it out the way I did! But I am sure when I get that ER bill I will have another fainting episode! Got to go back to the doctor soon to see if they can figure out what happened! I hope they can because I don't want to be scared of driving for the rest of my life! We will see! Fingers crossed! Send up a few prayer for me would ya!

THE END! (thankfully not the end of me!)

Happy early Easter! Spend some time with your family but don't forget the real reason we are celebrating! I know I wont!

A Blast From the Past

 Don't really have anything new to share with you today. Well because lets face it nothing really interesting happened. So instead of just skipping writing a blog today....I think I will share with you a little story from the past. This story is of no significance to who I am today nor did it really change anything its just funny and the first story that came to mind.

It was a warm summer day and we were down by the lake. The wind was blowing and it was as always a breath taking site. My best friends grandparents lived a mile down the road from my house growing up. Which meant I spent a lot of time down there. They had a hugh piece of land. With fields and countless lakes. We would spend hours running around playing. Pretending we were Pokemon trainers moonlighting as power rangers. Really  fun stuff let me tell you. But this day I guess we were feeling a little risky. Well as risky as 12 year olds can really get. So we decided to play on the dock. And what better way to play then to run back and for filling up cups of water and dumping them on the other side. I guess our 12 year old minds thought it would be fun. And it was until my best friend fell in the lake...He thrashed around for awhile with a terrified look on his face while I just looked at him not really for sure what I was supposed to do. I couldn't really swim either.

Eventually he realized he wasn't that far from the dock and grabbed the side and thats when I started laughing uncontrollably. I couldn't stop. I had never seen him look at me with such hate in his eyes until that moment. We started back up to the house to tell his grandma what happened and he was so scared he was going to get into trouble but I still couldn't stop laughing. We found her riding the golf cart in the front yard and when she saw him soaking wet I could only imagine what was going through his head at this moment. Convincing himself that he was going to get it. And then the un thinkable happened. She started laughing! O I couldn't stop after that. And ever since that story has always put a smile on my face!

THE END

Happy Good Friday Folks! Remember the real reason for the season!

Catch up!

OK So it has been awhile since I last posted. I have been super busy with work. Maybe no so many hours but the hours they do have me working leave little time for anything other then sleep.

To catch you up in the land of ice. Song bird is gone, and in the past three months that I have worked there 8 others have joined her walking out the door. But to replace came the wonderful and beautiful Emsley! I feel a beautiful friendship coming on. We have a little group forming from people we work with and it really is something special. I finally feel like I belong somewhere. Now grant it sometimes I feel a little left out, but I think thats just who I am. I am scared to get close to people because I have been hurt one too many times.

The Ice Queen is still as icy as ever but my kissing up must have done some good because I got employee of the month my 2nd month there.

Things have "thawed" out with Preacher Boy. We have reached an understanding.

Over all I am happy with where my life is right now. I defiantly still have some things to work on and things I would like to change. But for now I am content. I will live to smile another day.

My first country concert is coming up on the 26th so I am super excited for that!! I didn't ask off for the next day so I hope they don't have me coming in super early :/

Hope to bring you more news soon! My computer is back up and running so hopefully I can write more stories from the life of a single girl!

Love is not a choice

I was watching a tv program the other day in which they stated love was a choice. And I firmly disagree and this is why. 

It all started about 4 and a half years ago. It was the summer before my senior year. I was at a peak point in my life where I was in disagreement with my parents and my heart was hardened towards the "church." My mom quit her job and my dad lost his business so we could go to a week long prayer retreat in poplar bluff Missouri. I resented the fact that they made me go but I was determined to give God one more chance. I figured I was going to be there for a week anyways so I might as well put my heart into it. I decided that God was going to show up that week or I was giving up on him. It was a tough week I was eaten alive by mosquitoes to the point where my legs where swollen and red and I was miserable. I sprained my ankle and the medics put me on crutches. I had 1 shower the while week so I stank and wore no makeup. I looked and felt like crap but I pushed through it and worshiped God like I had never before. And I will never forget what happened that week. 

The night was young. The tent was packed and the music was loud and I felt Gods precense. My parents came to me while I was laid out in the front and said they were leaving to go I to town to take showers at a church who had offered up their facilities. I declined because I felt a pull to stay. They left and I stayed. The service ended quickly after that but I still felt a pull to the tent. I looked around and noticed Jay (we are going to call him that for the sake of the story.) I had met him the first day that we arrived. He came walking across the field and helped my dad put up the gigantic army tent we were staying in. I remember the so g that was playing on the radio. It had been our theme song that week. And it was by Jesus culture and is said I'm just going to keep running towards you. 

Anyways...I felt a pull to go talk to him. Now I know God was involved because I wouldn't have had the courage to do what I did next with out him. I walked right up to him and we began to talk. I followed him around that night because he had things to get done. Because he was working for the ranches owner. We rode around on the carts that they were driving until it ran out of gas and we Carly had enough to drive it back to the garage. We had to walk back. I was barefoot because well I hate shoes. He gave me a picky back ride down the gravel road. And we settled around the Bon fire. People began to dwindle as they all returned to their tents. And we talked the night away. We stayed up that night till 3 or 4 in the morning just talking. And it was in that moment that I believed in love at first sight. I didn't choose to love him. He was put in my path and my heart chose that path. 

I remember the day we left to go back home. And he stood and watched till our truck disappeared. I would later find out that the man standing next to him would tell him that I would be back. Neiter of us at this point knew that he was speaking a prophetic word. 

I remember the first time we said I love you. It was at a time we had spent hours on the phone. I was sitting in my upstairs bed room looking out the window. And we said it. We said the three words that would change our lives forever. Of course that first time we were both so scared we decided that it was too soon and we wouldn't say it again. But it was true I had fallen hard and I didn't know how to handle it. 

God had planted a seed in my parents as well. We began to spend every weekend in in Poplar Bluff Missouri. Wth jay and his family. 

We shared our first kids on his front porch I'm our favorite porch swing, made for his parents. 

My parents decided to move to poplar bluff and I couldn't be happier. The first few months were hard. He was young and immature and scared of love. But I was set on it and I fought hard. 

Eventually I won him over and we became insepretalble. We were always together. Before school, during, after, the weekends, church we were always together and when we wernt we were on the phone or texting or Iming. 

We took care of each other. He opened my door and I fixed his plates at dinners. To any one looking in we looked like an old married couple. But we were not married and we were young and put stress on the relationship. We started bickering and fighting a lot. And the relationship was hanging together by threads. He finnally broke it off. And then we went through a whole different season figuring out how not to be what we were. It wasn't working very well. We kept up the intamate relationship we never should have had which put even more strain on what was left of what we had. He met someone else and moved on. I tried but never could. He hurt me a lot. Drug my heart through the mud time and time aging trough this transmission period but my heart was still set on what was in front of it. This time I around I didn't have a fight left in me. I had never before felt a pain like that of looseig someone you loved. I had never cried so much. It was a physical pain. And I that point if it was a choice I would have choosen not to love him. And now a year and a half later. Now that he has moved on and is happily married I would choose not to love him. But still everyday I find my self drifting away to memories of those days or wondering where he is and what he is doing. I'm a thousands of miles away but my heart is still in Poplar bluff mo. And believe me if love was a choice. I would choose to forget that I ever loved him at all. But it's not a choice....

The girl who flew to the moon.

So I was at work....which should come as no surprise because that is where I am all of the time now. I was out in the lobby mopping the floors. And I'm not talking about a quick mop or a spot mop no I was scrubbing the floor with boss lady looking over my shoulder. I was sore and sweating and in walks this girl who had clearly just gone to the moon. (This is an expression used when using drugs higher then pot.) she walked in clearly on a mission to put soda she didn't pay for I to the cup she brought. But what she didn't know was that the lady that looked like she was a customer waiting for her food was really boss lady. 

Boss lady sees her too and follows her to the fountain and the conversation went somthing like this...

"Are you going to pay for that?"

"No" 

"You can just come in here and take pop. That's stealing." 

"I don't care"

And then the girl turns and walks out the door. Boss lady follows her out with another manager. 

This manager yells at her walking across the parking lot. 

"I want my soda back" 

The girl takes this as a challenge and throws it at her. My manager didn't even blink and said...

"I want the other one too" 

The girl takes off running. 

And they call the cops. 

The end. 

Farewells.

Lately we have had some farewells from the alliance in the Game of War and since I'm so emotionally involved this has hurt on an emotional level. 

One of the hardest to have leave was SGTBOBC4T.  He was one of my hardest working and most trustworthy in my ranks. Plus he could always put a smile on my face. He had a very good reason to leave though. He told me before logging off for the last time that he had been putting the game before reality. Like I have been doing as well. But he had a wife to think about. So I'm proud of him for putting his wife and the rest of his reality before the game. Even if we do miss him in the chat rooms. 

Another great voice in the chat rooms decided to leave as well. Son of None had promised a friend before they started the game that they would start an alliance together. And as a new kingdom opened up that's exactly what they decided to do. He will surly be missed as he was our jokester and the village idiot but also like a little brother. 

Someone I don't understand leaving was temptati0n. He asked for resource help. Rescieved it then leaved. 

With all of these and a few more leaving I felt it was time for me to step down as leader. I was playing as much and they truly needed someone who could be on more. But when I individually aprohed all my commanders they told me no they wouldn't take the position and that no matter how much I played I was still the best for the job. It warmed my heart. And so yes I am still leader 😜

"Preacher says it's my eyes"

I don't know what it is about customers hitting on me but I've gotten at least two major ones so far. (Preacher says it's my eyes.) What ever it is I don't like it. 

The first guy was by far the worst let me describe this guy for you. And then you close your eyes and get a good mental picture. His name is chunky. (Also given by preacher.) This guy stood over 6 feet tall and had to way 600 pounds. The worst thing was the thick Spanish accent that came out. It was very hard to understand and he didn't know much english and I knew enough Spanish to know right off the bat he said I was really beautiful. We slowly worked our way through his order and I have him his change. (He paid in all change.) Then he proceeded to ask me if he could have a complimentary fry...He obviously wanted more food but didn't have the money. We got him is food and he went out I to the lobby and ate it all. Every last bite. Then he proceeds to come to the counter and complain that his hamburger didn't have cheese on it. (He didn't order cheese.) but to top it all off he insisted that since he didn't have cheese he should get a kiss...I turned right around got my manager (preacher) and didn't have anything more to do with him. 

The second guy has a shorter story. He was an older gentlemen that came and made his oreder. His change came to 7.11 when I said that. He said "when do you get off we should be in Vegas." 

The embarrassing truth.

So I know we have all had that moments. You know the kind that make your face turn red. The time you ripped your pants in the butt at school or the time you forgot to wear a bra. You know we have all done it! 

Well why I was at another day at work I went to the bathroom and the button on my pants completely broke! I still had 5+ hours left on my shift. It was horrible I had to untucked my shirt and keep pulling them up every 5 secs. 

I told my manager what happened after she told me I had to tuck in my shirt and she only snickered at me! 

On top of everything else I ended up staying an hour late because we were rally busy and I was running counter and window by my self. Like a boss. 😉

^ what just a little time can do 😃

Adventures in ice land.

Well on the forth day, a week after the third day I might add, I went in to works with a very cloudy disposition. I did not want to go. I even contemplated just calling and Quiting I mean seriously they only put me on the schedule for one day a week! (And on a side note a lot was going in the vertual world that day! Speaking of which I met a lovely young man from another alliance and we were talking and he tells me he called out from work just to play the game....that is an addict folks.) 

But I travailed and I went to work anyways. And what I walked into was an alternate universe and place where I not only existed they wanted me to do well. I talked to people and learned drive thru and even how to make McCafe drinks. I tell you what I think the right people got ahold of my blog. Yea that's what I'm going to go with. 

So for some new characters we have: 

Song bird: a very butch by sexual girl. With short hair in the front and long in the back. Absolutely love her! And she loves to sing which is why I now call her song bird. She gave me her number so we could hang out sometime but before I could text her I realized her number was in the pants pocket of the pants in the washer. Blonde moment! 

Pastor: we had a long and interesting conversation after which I told him I would talk about anything but religion and politics...we talked about both. But he told me along the lines that he wants to become a pastor. I have a feeling we will have some very note worthy conversations. 

Those are the two new supporting roles in the story I call my life! 

Over all I can definitely say I want to work nights. But on that day even the ice queen was super nice! It's starting to look up folks! 

The invisible girl's adventures in ice land

Ok for story telling purposes I've assigned some names to the characters. My big manager, the don't look at me while your supposed to be working lady, her name is the ice queen. Because she has a heart and soul of ice...next is the manager under her, the troll with no emotions, she is devil lady. Now that we got that covered. Let me tell you about my second day in Iceland(work aka mcdonalds.) I walk in the door straight into the sights of the ice queen. I advert my eyes because I wouldn't want to offend her :/. Well she catches me anyways but actually she is quite nice. She says hi and how are you!? Well that was weird. So the second day wasn't all that bad. But of course I still got no training and handled all the orders by myself including the bus :/. I walk up to the manager left about a half an hour before I got to leave and told him I never got a break. He asked well how lib have you been here. I said since three. He said well crap in sorry I didn't know. I said it's ok no one notices me up here. He said I notice you I just didn't know how long you had been here. (I was there before he got there.)

Day 3. This is after I got off the night before at 11 and I'm back at 8. I get to meet devil lady. I'm on front counter yet again but this time I actually get a trainer well for the first few hours at least. Not that is helped at all. A lady got her hot chocolate wrong there was peppermint in it. It may or may not have been my fault. Doesn't matter I told devil lady. "We'll make her another one" said when the meanest additive you can think of and walks off...I don't know how who make hot chocolate no one has ever showed me. Finnally the drive thru girl come and makes a new one. Doesn't show me how or where anything is just makes it...how does this help me!?! Then I notice two very cute people...my manager and the maintance guy and then I realize one more thing...I've already learned that lesson so they are out of the question. So when a guy comes in the door I notice right off the bat he is pretty cute. He stands there waiting for his food with his drink in his hand and my manager yells at him. You didn't pay for that. I watched you walk in that door with that cup and fill it up. Honestly I don't know if he did or not, but I give him this look like "I'm sorry." Later when I'm cleaning tables out in the lobby he gets up and walks out of course I'm watching him! I give him another "I'm sorry" look and he returns with a "it's ok shrug." Then he walks out the door and my eyes still follow him and he turns around meets my eyes and mouths "bye." My eyes light up and I snails back at him. 

Later this scene plays through my head and I think crap! He wasn't being nice he was saying "bye" as in why are you still staring at me...this is why I'm single. 

The invisible girl.

It's my first day of work and you get that terrifying yet exhilarating feeling. You know how your totally excited because it's a new job but your also really afraid because what if you don't do well.

I walk in the door and automatically they ask me if it's ok to start in another 30 mins. I was like sure I guess. I mean what am I supposed to say no you have to let me work now?? So I waited and finally I got to start work. She showed me how to clock in and pointed around the screen then left. That's it that's all the training I got and was left on register taking all the orders...needless to say I had to ask for a lot of help because I didn't know where anything was. Most of their "help" consisted of doing it for me. And then worst came to worst. I needed to know where more coffee was because I had ran out and I needed to make some more so I turned to the person who was supposed to me "training" me and asked her if she could help me. Then I waited for a reply. She happened to be talking to the store manager (which I have recently learned is the owners daughter and in the  exact words of a fellow employee "I want to smash her head on the grill and close it.") manager lady sees me looking at them, waiting for my reply about help, and she snaps. "Don't be looking over here get to work." I simply reply "I was asking for help." "Well then ask." "I did ask." "Don't you talk back to me if I'm correcting something while your training you just say thank you." At that moment I could have walked right out that door or thrown the coffee at her I was so mad. That's not how you treat new employees on their first day. 

Well the rest of the day wasn't much better. No one talked to me or said hello I just went on my way. Taking orders on a machine I didn't understand and cleaning the tables 50 mil times because that's the only thing someone showed me how to do. And I was supposed to stay busy. Let me tell you when they said your done I was out of there faster then a speeding bullet I didn't even stop for a refill of my drink or to go to the bathroom. Nothing I just wanted out of there. 

They are rude heartless people not just to me but even the customers! 

But really they just ignore me like I'm not even there. 

Gamer reality versus the real reality.

I lead an alliance in the game Game of War. I have about 63 people who play under my lead. When I'm playing the game it's a totally different world. It's like I have a bunch of big brothers, uncles, and guy friends looking out for me. 

We don't know each other in the real world but when it comes to that game...we protect each other, we help each other, and we laugh with each other. I really wish my real world could compare. If I could have friends that caring and encouraging my life would be great. 

It's funny my best friend text me today and said "I've tried finding more friends but all I can find is horrible people." 

The first answer that popped in my head was I found good friends too bad they are a bunch of teenage boys and 30 to 40 year old men from all over the world playing a war game. 

The things life throw at me! 

P.S. This is a sunset picture from my vacation in L.A. This last weekend. 

Gamer reality versus the real reality.

I lead an alliance in the game Game of War. I have about 63 people who play under my lead. When I'm playing the game it's a totally different world. It's like I have a bunch of big brothers, uncles, and guy friends looking out for me. 

We don't know each other in the real world but when it comes to that game...we protect each other, we help each other, and we laugh with each other. I really wish my real world could compare. If I could have friends that caring and encouraging my life would be great. 

It's funny my best friend text me today and said "I've tried finding more friends but all I can find is horrible people." 

The first answer that popped in my head was I found good friends too bad they are a bunch of teenage boys and 30 to 40 year old men from all over the world playing a war game. 

The things life throw at me! 

P.S. This is a sunset picture from my vacation in L.A. This last weekend. 

New year new me.

So my family has entered a competition to see who can loose the most weight. It's set to end 8 months. My goal is to loose 30 pounds. But I want to loose 20 pounds by my 21st birthday in June. 

Today was the first day and I did well stayed on my calorie count! But I didn't do any exercise (gamers life.) so my goal for tommorrow is at least a 7 min workout. 

It not really about the number in the long run though. It's about looking good and feeling good. That is my long term goal this year. Let's see what I accomplish! 

Life of a gamer (why I am single)

I am an avid game of war player. And if you have ever played this game you know it takes a lot of effort to become a top player. It takes even more effort to get you alliance to the top. And I truly love my alliance. I am almost the only girl and one of the youngest and yet I'm the leader. I get emails daily with compliments on how well I am doing. That's how much all of these people at this game. So I know that I have to carry them all through. I carry around with me a "war book" it has all of their names with notes and stats. I have lists and rules and color coordinated charts. But I hey moray of the time the game is my reality. And if it my reality then I'm really quite popular. So I'm ok with that. 

Life

It's a roller coaster of emotions. 

Dreams, plans, dripping like paint from a paint brush. 

Conversations playing out like a movie set. 

The radio setting the scene to the perfect day. 

Lessons learned tests forgotten. 

Money comes and it goes again like the birds in migration. 

Seasons paint the calanders marking the days as they fly by. 

Kids grow too fast as time passes and your afraid to blink. 

You ask you self when will my life start?? 

You know I have to include the bad ones with the good ones it's how we grow. So don't be too harsh on this one. 

#singlegirlproblems

So walking through the mall please tell me I'm not the only one that sees a guy knows he's cute. But I know I'm also not the only girl that wonders if anyone saying that about them. 

Sure I've had guys come up and say oh when I saw you I thought That girls hot. But like the ugly ones you know. And as much as I think it's cute that they think I'm hot I wish they just wouldn't tell me. Because it's almost worse when only ugly people tell you you're hot then when none do it all. Because honestly if ugly people have the nerve to tell you you're hot really hot. Because I know when I walk up to someone and I think they're hot I forget my own name. 

But you know what I cares what people think... O wait EVERYONE! Especially single girls. Getting all dressed up because they just know they will meet their Prince Charming that day. 

Well my conclusion...I want people to think I'm pretty but only pretty people. 

 

The new year

Well it's 2014 every one. I really didn't think we would make it this far. I remember when I was in high school me and my best friend ally actually cried because we thought the end of the world would come before we graduated high school. And now we are both half way around the world (which is still here) and we are here in 2014. 

I hope 2013 didn't suck as bad for you as it did for me. It was full of a lot of ups and downs but mostly downs...I've made a lot of mistake but through those mistakes I've learned a lot of life lessons and learned a lot about my self too. 

You can't go through life regretting your past or it will hold on to you and never let go. So this year here are some of my goals. 

Get fit. 

Work on me :) 

Save up and get a car. 

Graduate from barbazon. 

Paint more. 

Make some videos (maybe a video blog??)

Write more (hopefully on here and hopefully with more followers?? O_o) 

Yep that's about it I think. 

I'll let you all know how those work out lol.