Some Poems From The Past

I think some of my poems from my past really show some of the deeper parts of my soul. Be forewarned some of them are rough and edgy. These were from when I first started writing. And while I don't claim to be fantastic at writing now some of then were pretty bad then.

The Eleven 

The started out eleven 

All together and living happily

 But then one day

Was born a tragedy 

A sixteen year old boy 

Part of the eleven 

Was in a fatel crash

And the first called to heaven 

The remaining ten now carried on 

Carried on with life 

The women getting husbands

The men getting wives 

Later on in life

The tears were shed again 

Another one gone

Another brother another friend 

Its time for another to go 

To  join the others 

In a beautiful place

Reuniting with parents and brothers

Tears will fall 

As she is leaving 

But we have to go on

Go on believing 

Believing we can be happy

No matter what happened

Believing its ok to be sad

When someones life ends

God will call them all home

Reuniting the final eleven 

That beautiful day 

That day in heaven 

That was a story I had written for my great aunts funeral. My grandma being out of 11 brothers and sisters. I will edit and add on as God calls them all home. 

Untitled 

I will go threw each day 

With a smile on my face

My chin held high 

Never slowing my pace

My eyes will never leave 

This goal of mine

I will focus on that 

Only then will I be fine

This next one comes with a dark warning. It comes from a time in my life when writing was the best way to release the darkness. Sometimes it still is. The out come however is sometimes very cruel and dark like this one. 

Save Me 

As I watch the rain hit the window sill 

Memories come swirling in my head

 Salty water droplets seep into my mouth 

The dark empty house was quite 

But the screams inside my head were unbearable 

Being everything to everyone is not easy

There was a slow painful breaking inside 

There was nothing more I could do in this world

A cut just a little bit deeper, just a little but longer 

A little more pain for an enternity if peace 

The sharp metal pierced my skin

The dark, warm, sweet liguid seeps form the cut

The last of my life dropped to the floor 

The screaming in my head got quite 

I smiled, my life flashed before me 

The walls and the floor swirled and I fell 

I fell into the darkness forever more 

Why didn't you save me 

A Happy Moment

This morning I woke up and depression hit me like a freight train. I was in a very dark place where it seemed I was even seeing in black and white. I was angry, sad, confused, and heart broken all at the same time. I didn't want to eat and it physically hurt just to be awake. I was nitpicking my life from every angle down to every last detail. I was tearing about relationships in my head and drowning everything in grey. I went to work like this with the "monster" rousing in my stomach.

Then I started talking to my friends. Emsley and B. They gave me some of the most amazing advice and most importantly their time. They didn't make my struggle seem small or insignificant but real. This was B's reply when I told him that it was depression that had me in such a rotten mood.

"Life can be rough!! Yes just an overall feeling with no rhyme or reason. Don't let it spiral too far. Feel it then move on. Can't control how you feel just the way you react. Shit sometimes you just got to fake it cause fake happy is way better then real sad."

I love my friends and I don't know what I would do without them!

The monster is caged right now. I can feel it still struggling to get out but I am a firm control and a desire to keep it down. And all because my friends were there and WANTED me to be happy.

That is the best feeling in the world!

Pima County Fair!

I can now cross off seeing a country concert off my bucket list. It was awesome. Lee Brice was amazing. But I am going to have to say my friends are better! We had a great time riding rides and eating lots of fried food! Fantastic!

We had two seats next to me and "A" and we decided that we were going to tell people that the seats were saved until two hots guys came by so we could tell them that we saved them some seats. But of course that didn't happen, plus we all know I wouldn't have had the courage any ways.

I did buy a gigantic thing of fried pickles but when I couldn't eat them all I gave them to this really cute cowboy :D

I got hit on! Well it was by a drunk guy who was like a foot shorter then me, but at least it was something.

So my dreams of finding a cowboy at the fair didn't come true! But my dreams of having some amazing friends come true every day!

Loving life day by day!

A Poem: A Kiss Shared With A Heart Unprepared

I went in for the kiss
Just to prove I could do it
And pulled away
With a frantic heart.

I didn't know you
Would kiss me too
So when you pulled me close
My resolve fell apart.

I don't know
If we will ever share
Another kiss
Or be so close.

But I just want you
To know
That when our lips touched
I felt it all the way to my toes.

Your amazing
And one of my best friends
So I hope you know
That you will succeed in all you do.

So keep spitting those rhymes
And making all those jokes
And what every you do
To your own self be true.

I may never be the one for you
And we never be an "us"
But I will never regret
The time we shared a kiss.

So glad you are my friend
And that our lives
Brought us together
Its memories in bliss.

A Poem: Beauty in Words

My fingers falter
As I decide on the words
That will adequately describe my heart.

When all I can remember is broken
And all my love has scared
I fear it was broken from the start.

The pieces that remain
I strain to hold onto
I fear they no longer fit.

The fire that once
Held strong in my belly
Holds flames barely lit.

The happiness that once
Shined behind my eyes
Has dulled to a shadow.

My battle scars lining my wrist
And decorating my thighs
From the fights from below.

The darkness remains
Lingering in my deepest part
Threatening to take hold.

But the light triumphs
Over everything
Always daring to be BOLD.

I may be broken
And constantly be in battle
With myself and the world.

But I will not back down
As the words trapped inside
My heart become unfurled.

My fingers slide easily
Over the keys
The truth more comfortable.

When speaking my heart remains
But when coaxed to be written
Out my words will tumble.

Writing is a beautiful thing
And a tool
I will always hold dear.

Because no matter how long I stare
Or what words I say
I will never see beautiful in the mirror.

But I can make beauty
With my words.

Another Reason Why I Am Single

Alright so I am sure you all remember the guy I was writing about yesterday...Well today we are talking and he mentions after work he had a hot date (He gets off pretty late, which is something you will need to know later on.) Hearing that felt like getting punched in the gut. No there isn't anything between us hindering either one of us from seeing other people. I'm not even all together sure he knows  I am interested in him. Regardless jealousy raged its ugly head deep in my stomach.

I text Emsley straight away and was like whoa is me! He is so out of my league, blah, blah, blah. And then it dawned on me. We had hung out the other day and he made the same comment only he was talking about having a date with his BED! It was a hand to forehead kind of moment. I'm pretty sure my face was bright red and even jealousy went and hid in a corner!

I'm pretty sure I made a fool of myself with comments on that one!

These are the reasons why I am single!

Comment!

First Day Back

Well after my one hell of a week I had my first day back at work today. And even though my best friend called in today because her truck broke down down town I was in an un natural good mood. Maybe God knew I needed a week off from that place before I tore someones head off.

Funny thing happened today. This old guy came through my drive thru with his wife in the passenger seat. I leaned out the window to give him his change and he said "My you are a pretty thing how old are you?" I answered him "20" And he replied "Damn if I wasn't so old and if I hadn't been married for 55 years I would hit on you.

Another Funny Thing. About 20 mins before we closed a car pulls through drive thru and we ask them what they want and they din't order food but asked "Is there a Jack n the Box close by?" I don't know why I found that so funny. But who comes to McDonald's and asks for Jack n the Box.

So I don't remember if I wrote about this much. But I am pretty sure that I mentioned it. There is this guy I like. And I get to see him a lot and a bunch of us hang out and go bowling and stuff. My favorite thing is his smile. It crinkles his eyes and spreads to his whole face you just cant help but smile too. I have never had a problem flirting before but I just cant do it with him. I can barely even look him in the eye. Every time he tries making eye contact I quickly look away. Its like my mind and body completely shut down when I am around him.

He is completely amazing. He is strong willed and caring. He has the same heart for people that I do. He comes from a broken past which makes him all the more attractive to me. He is VERY physically attractive. I think my problem is I think he is out of my league. On top of the fact I don't think my feelings towards him are mutual.

O the problems of single life!

I would like to see some comments so I know that my blog is being read!

A Letter Destined For The Future

Hello my love,

      By the time you will have found me, I will be broken. I am broken. I lost all dreams for a future so true and fairytale like. I have ran hard away from any real "love" thats found its way into my heart. Though I know deep down you will hold on and never let go. I know that it will be hard and I wont make it any easier. I am difficult and wary of "forever." But I want to let my self love again. I want to fee connected in a way I could never be connected but to you. I want to let my walls down and let you into the deepest parts of my heart.
       I can say I want these things, and I do, but I wouldn't know where to start. So when you find me. Take it slow. Sweep me off my feet. Knock down these walls and mend my broken heart. Show me I am capable of love again. We will have forever so I am begging you not to rush things. I know that you are human and that you are male and you are built to be physical. But that part of me is scarred beyond belief. Please, love me enough to wait. To not push me. I realize you were born for dominance. But take the time to know my heart before we take that step into intimacy. I am woman and I am fragile.
         Try and be patient. For I will try and run and tell my self that this love can not be true. You will likely see me break down and cry because my mood swings are quite persistent. I might take a lot of work...I will take a lot of work. But I know you can handle it because you were made for me. You can see the diamond under neath. And when you knock down those walls you will experience a love so explosive its only seen when two soul mates connect. I will love you like a King, because I know that you will treat me like your Queen.
          I apologize for the past that has wrecked my heart and built these walls brick by brick. But I do not regret it. My past has made me who I am today. This person that you will fall in love with. And I like the person that I am. No I am not perfect and there are many changes that I am working on every day. But you will complete me and help me to be the person I am meant to be. I have big dreams and I know you will be there every step of the way to hold my hand. Just as I will support you in every dream you have. We were made for each other. I realize that you might have made some decisions that you are not proud of too. But its ok I forgive you. I wouldn't have you any other way. You were fearfully and wonderfully made just for me. I believe that with all my heart. The heart that belongs to you. I know that I have not met you yet because God is still working on you and on me. Preparing us for the challenges that we will face together and the challenges that will be each other. But when we are both ready I know God will send you my way. And I could not be more excited to see out love story unravel.

Your Forever and Always

Near Death Experience

Well today was definitely a lot more interesting then yesterday. I went to bed last night with an awful headache. It kept me up through out the night. When I woke up my stomach was hurting REALLY bad (womanly issues.) I was also throwing up! Disturbing image I know! Well anyways I didn't think anything of it I figured that I was just throwing up because of the pain. So I got in the car and headed to work. I was ok until I got to the stoplight right in front of my work. I remember slowing down to get into the turn lane and the next thing I know I wake up staring at dessert. And I look out my window and there are people running towards the car yelling call 911. It was really scary. The ambulance got there and my pain was still almost unbearable. They were asking me all these questions I didn't want to answer. I just wanted to lie down. And well apparently my body did too. Cause I passed out again! This time when I woke up I freaked out. It felt like I was coming out of a dream. And I didn't know where I was or how I got there. I was throwing up as they lifted me on to the gurney and my grandma was running up to the car.

The feeling of not being able to remember something just feels wrong. I know God must have been watching over me today because I went through a stoplight and down the road before I ever went off the road and I never hit any one and there is no major damage to the car. Thank fully it happened when I was already slowing down at the light and not when I was going 50 just a few mins before! Its amazing that I made it out the way I did! But I am sure when I get that ER bill I will have another fainting episode! Got to go back to the doctor soon to see if they can figure out what happened! I hope they can because I don't want to be scared of driving for the rest of my life! We will see! Fingers crossed! Send up a few prayer for me would ya!

THE END! (thankfully not the end of me!)

Happy early Easter! Spend some time with your family but don't forget the real reason we are celebrating! I know I wont!

A Blast From the Past

 Don't really have anything new to share with you today. Well because lets face it nothing really interesting happened. So instead of just skipping writing a blog today....I think I will share with you a little story from the past. This story is of no significance to who I am today nor did it really change anything its just funny and the first story that came to mind.

It was a warm summer day and we were down by the lake. The wind was blowing and it was as always a breath taking site. My best friends grandparents lived a mile down the road from my house growing up. Which meant I spent a lot of time down there. They had a hugh piece of land. With fields and countless lakes. We would spend hours running around playing. Pretending we were Pokemon trainers moonlighting as power rangers. Really  fun stuff let me tell you. But this day I guess we were feeling a little risky. Well as risky as 12 year olds can really get. So we decided to play on the dock. And what better way to play then to run back and for filling up cups of water and dumping them on the other side. I guess our 12 year old minds thought it would be fun. And it was until my best friend fell in the lake...He thrashed around for awhile with a terrified look on his face while I just looked at him not really for sure what I was supposed to do. I couldn't really swim either.

Eventually he realized he wasn't that far from the dock and grabbed the side and thats when I started laughing uncontrollably. I couldn't stop. I had never seen him look at me with such hate in his eyes until that moment. We started back up to the house to tell his grandma what happened and he was so scared he was going to get into trouble but I still couldn't stop laughing. We found her riding the golf cart in the front yard and when she saw him soaking wet I could only imagine what was going through his head at this moment. Convincing himself that he was going to get it. And then the un thinkable happened. She started laughing! O I couldn't stop after that. And ever since that story has always put a smile on my face!

THE END

Happy Good Friday Folks! Remember the real reason for the season!

Catch up!

OK So it has been awhile since I last posted. I have been super busy with work. Maybe no so many hours but the hours they do have me working leave little time for anything other then sleep.

To catch you up in the land of ice. Song bird is gone, and in the past three months that I have worked there 8 others have joined her walking out the door. But to replace came the wonderful and beautiful Emsley! I feel a beautiful friendship coming on. We have a little group forming from people we work with and it really is something special. I finally feel like I belong somewhere. Now grant it sometimes I feel a little left out, but I think thats just who I am. I am scared to get close to people because I have been hurt one too many times.

The Ice Queen is still as icy as ever but my kissing up must have done some good because I got employee of the month my 2nd month there.

Things have "thawed" out with Preacher Boy. We have reached an understanding.

Over all I am happy with where my life is right now. I defiantly still have some things to work on and things I would like to change. But for now I am content. I will live to smile another day.

My first country concert is coming up on the 26th so I am super excited for that!! I didn't ask off for the next day so I hope they don't have me coming in super early :/

Hope to bring you more news soon! My computer is back up and running so hopefully I can write more stories from the life of a single girl!