It's going to be a great year that 2016!

I got my confidence back today. I don't know why it came from or why it came back but it did. I really didn't even know it was missing. But I dressed up and got ready for work like I havnt been able to do. I have been stuck in the "bun zone" mostly because I didn't care and today I cared. I won't let it go and I definitely won't let any one take it from me! 

Great thing happened at work today! A guy came in just to ask me out! How sweet is that! I gave him my number :) so we will see how it goes. We will call him black jacket! Cause unless I'm loosening it that's what he was wearing!

The cutest thing happened today! This little girl was pulling her families cart out the door and the alarms went off she shoved that thing so far and ran out the door. Her mom was like you didn't steal anything get back in there! It was adorable! 

And double wow wa when boss guy totally manned up and made this guy empty his pockets because he caught him stealing alcohol! Very attractive! And of course he ran his hands through his hair a couple more times for me <3 

#isitthatobvious!?

Apparently it is obvious to everyone but hash tag that I like him... 

After my pick up foot and insert into mouth moment the other day regarding his lack of girl friends, I figured ignoring him was my best option because he obviously wasn't getting the hint and I was just going to get in trouble. 

Well in the pharmacy today we got to talking about ages and MC says he is 31 and I was like hey my "baby daddy" is 30. (Btw I hate calling him that!) Anyways he was like hey boss guy is your age. And that was it the perfect opportunity for a pick up my foot and insert into mouth moment. I stood there like a deer in the headlights and felt the red creeping up my neck and I  saw the moment the lights went off in his head. And he was like ohhhhhhh haha I didn't know that.

Of course then the snowball effect came into play and weirdbeard was like who we talking about. And now I give it 24 hours max before it gets to EVERONE IN THE STORE!!! Lucky me. Get into trouble for a guy who doesn't even like me. This is the story of my life. 

Old fashion

So you know that guy I was telling you about subtly in a poem that did make since. Well I like him...a lot. And I'm sure an idiot for a few reasons. One I say a lot of stupid stuff around him. For instance I sent him an email on Facebook that said the following...

So was the part about you never having a girl friend true lol. 

And yes I actually said lol. I mean I have never talked to this guy outside of work. And then that's what I come up with. Open mouth insert foot...and of course I don't need to mention he read the message and didn't answer. 

But on a different but related note we watched the movie old fashion tonight and it was good. I mean it makes me depressed to see movies about the kind of guy that went extinct a long time ago. I mean guys don't even hold the door open let alone treat you like your anything other then meat. Shoot I can't even get them to pay for the date. What's wrong with society and where have all the good guys gone?

Where are the guys who want to get to know you? 

Where are the guys who treat you like a treasure? 

Where are the guys who make you feel loved? 

Where are the guys who will wait? 

Where is my guy? 

Is he even out there. (And does he have kinda long hair with a habit of running his hands through it?)

Blocked again.

Ok so let me give you a little back story. 

Once upon I fell in love for the very first time. It was a rocky road but an all together great adventure. We shared many many memories I will cherish forever. Things ended badly very badly. Like burning your favorite meal on the Friday night before your birthday kinda bad. To make a long story short the new girl hated me. With good reason and then I moved away. This is the part of my life where I moved to Arizona to have yet another adventure where I fell in love with the wrong guy and yet again it ended badly. Well anyways here I am back in my good ol home town of poplar bluff mo. Sure do I get reminded of that first love all the time absolutely. I remember him get pulled over in the dealer parking lot for going WAY over the speed limit and yet talking him self out of it. I remember sitting on the front porch in that porch swing and sharing our first kiss. I remember meeting him for the first time when he helped put our tent up at Mariah and then sitting around a Bon fire for hours getting eaten alive by Mosquitos. I remember riding to school together and riding the back roads. I remember him always going to fast even when I hated it. I remember going to the radio station with him or cruising through the parking lot to see if he could catch one of his boys. I remember riding with his parents to go watch him play foot ball. I remember our first real fight and hitting the dog on the way to his birthday party. I remember hating him and loving him and telling him everything. But the funny thing is when I look back at the person I was back then it's no where near the person I am today. And I'm pretty sure he is probably a different person too. Have you ever heard the song I got the boy? That reminds me of him big time cause it proves I got the boy and so one else got the man. So yes I will always cherish those memories but no I don't want to make anymore with the man that I don't even know. So you can calm down there is no need to block me from your life. I'm not a threat I promise. You don't even know who I am anymore. Your unforgivness is only hurting yourself. 

#the struggle is real

This is my mental conversation with my self walking though Walmart. 

"Mmmmm a salad sounds good"

"Well if I go to mcdonalds I have to have fries"

"I'll just get a small"

"Who gets a small fry!?" 

*opens door* 

"maybe just a side salad and a medium fry" 

"I don't need a drink I got one in the car" 

*got what I came for* 

"Yes I'll get a fry and a side salad"

"I'm not even hungry" 

"I don't need anything"

 

"Nah I'm not going to get anything"

 

*pays at checkout*

"Yep I have spent enough I'm just going to go" 

*walks up to McDonald's counter*

" yea I'll take a mc double and a small fry please" 

-.- the struggle is real folks. 

10 more things you didn't know about me

1. My dad adopted me when I was 7. 

2. I work at the corner of happy and healthy. 

3. Since high school I've never been single more then a month or too. 

4. My middle name is Michelle. 

5. I once hit a guy on a scooter and broke both his arms. 

6. I once worked for the Salvation Army. 

7. I signed over the title of my car to me ex boyfriend. 

8. I live in a three bedroom house with 6 people. 

9. I've never been to a midnight premier. 

10. I once told someone who was being mean to me at least I have a mom. 

A letter destined for the future take two

Dear future husband, 

It's been awhile since I wrote you. I didn't think I could be more broken then I already was...but I am. I am not as confident you even exist. I'm not even sure I am capable of being loved. The walls around my hear are now incredibly high and I'm not sure you will be able to get in. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the times I thought I was in love only to give my self to some one who is not you. I am just so desperate to find you. So desperate to find someone who will love me for me and actually treat me like a decent human being. I need you more then you will ever know. I need you to be patient. I need you to be loving. And I probably need more of you then anyone should ever ask. But this broken heart needs healing. I also have a son now. He is gorgeous. His name is Parker Lawrence. Named after my grandpa. I need you to love him too. To give him a father. The one thing I can't provide. I know I'm asking a lot of you but if you really love me you will do all of this anyway. Please be patient with me when I'm upset or scared. I don't know how to be anything else anymore. I said I promised to treat you like a king and I promise I will try but I don't know if I can do that. I don't know if I'm capable of giving someone so much love again only to get my heart crushed. You will be the final piece of my puzzle I have always been looking for. And I hope that means you will be able to heal this broken heart. To lead me with grace and strength. To be the strong hand that I need in my life. And in my sons life. For now I'm just waiting for you. I'll pray for you. I already believe in you. That you can be this man I need so don't be scared I will be there to hold your hand. If you need a little healing too that's ok we can do it together. I'll love you always. 

Your forever and always. 

Dear reader,

dear ex. : Believe it or not I don't need you need you. No matter how many times you told me I wasn't good enough or made me believe I couldn't do anything without your help. I can do this. I have a beautiful son, who because of you will grow up with out their dad, the one thing I swore I would never do. Your a liar, a cheater, and an all around horrible person who even uses The name of God to get ahead in life. I hate you. But even after all that I still love you. I pray for you a lot. And I hope against all odds you get help and you really mean this time. Just don't die ok?

dear self. : You are enough. You are loved. It's ok to love again. It's ok to get hurt again you won't break you are strong and courageous and a great mother. Don't let anyone bring you down. And never again let anyone control you. And next time you get a car make sure it stays in your name. Geesh! 

dear dad: To the dad that raised me. Thank you. I know we don't always get along. And we hardly ever see eye to eye. But you were the one who choose me. Who choose to love me though everything. And you will be a great grandpa to my son. 

To the one who I thought never cared. I am afraid you may be a little too late. I thought all this was passed me. I thought I could live knowing I had met you and it was over. But I didn't meet you I met someone who could have been you but was not. Now I am not sure how I feel. You want to be apart of my life but the walls around my heart are so tall I'm not sure how to get them back down. 

dear mom: You are beautiful. And a very very courageous woman. I love you very much and you are my role model for a great mom. I hope that you know this about yourself because I know we are very very much alike in ways neither one of us would like to admit. 

dear crush.: I don't think you know that I like you. But it's getting dangerously close to coming out. I think I like you so much because it's easy. I don't expect anything I just like being around you. When you put your hand through your hair it literally drives me crazy. I just can't see why no one has snatched you up yet! And I know I can say all this cause there is no way you will read this Lol. 

dear school.: You are the part of my life I'm glad I never have to repeat. 

dear siblings.👭: I know we fight a lot but I love you more then words and I know I couldn't live with out you. Thank you for being so great to my son. 

dear past me.: keep your chin up. It's all going to be ok. This will all end one day. There is nothing wrong with you. You do not need the approval of anybody. I love you and so does God and that's enough. Stay strong you have a beautiful baby boy who will call you mom one day. Live for that. 

dear future me.: you're doing great! You are a great mom. I know you are trying too hard and that their are voices telling you others things. But I know you and I know you are a great mom. I hope you find love for the real thing that it is. Don't run away from the ones who treat you like you should be treated. It's ok. It's not too good to be true. 

dear future child.: Hello my son, I have watched you grow over the years and you have touched my heart in so many ways. You are so little now. It just know I'm already praying for a bright future. Just know I'm trying with all my might to give you everything you could ever ask for. I love you that much. I'm sorry that I couldn't give you a father. But we are better off with out him. 

dear person I hate.: To the boy who called me the day of the dance and said he never bought tickets. To the boy at the dance who turned me down, to the boy who "loved" me all summer only to pretend I didn't exist, to the boy who took he world from me, to the girl who took my best friend away, to the adults who never believed in me, to the first love who gave me the world and then left, to the man who took advantage of me, to the girl who outed me on Facebook, to the guys who thought I was no more then a piece of meat, to myself, to the man who told me I was nothing but gave me my son who is everything, to the people who let him be the awful person he is, to the crazy lady who came to the hospital when I was giving birth, to all the people who told me I couldn't...I forgive you. 

dear person I love.💕 : it's been a few years. I hope you are doing ok. You have a beautiful family. I hope your wife doesn't take this as a threat because it is not. I do not love you like that anymore. You were my first love and Because of that you will forever have a piece of my heart. But it's just the piece that Is happy you are happy. 

dear ex best friend : I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I didn't believe you. I'm sorry I got wrapped up in his trap. You were going through one of the biggest struggles of your life and I wasn't there and I'm sorry. I still pray for you and I hope you are getting better. And you totally have the right to say I told you so! 

dear celebrity crush.: if I ever meet you in person you WILL marry me :). 

dear future husband: thank you for loving me for who I am scad and all. That you for getting my quirky personality. Thank you for being there for my son. 

dear people that hate me.: it's ok. I don't care anymore. 

dear people that love me.: thank you. It's your love that has gotten me through everything that has happened. If it wasn't for you I would not be here right now. 

A hashtag kind of night.

I turned around and 

There he was. 

Shirt half untucked.

Tie pulled loose. 

Shaggy hair in his eyes. 

Mischief on his face. 

And a smile that can light up your whole world. 

I turned around and 

There he was. 

Leg to the side. 

Shirt all neat. 

Sweeping his hand through 

His messy hair. 

I turned around 

And I looked for him. 

For the smile so sweet. 

For the simple sparkle in his eye. 

For his hand running though his hair. 

For his look of determination.  

I looked for him on a 

Hashtag kind of night. 

Just enough

It's funny how life always seems to come full circle. I started life as a little girl with daddy issues. I always wanted the approval of the guys and never got it. I was stood up at homecoming and then put down by my crush. I had a boy tell me he loved me for three months straight over the phone only to pretend like I didn't exist when I got back to town. My first boyfriend used me to get to my friend. My first time was with someone I never wanted. My first love dumped me for the other woman. And the father of my child chose everything but me. It seems like I'm not meant meant to find any other love then this sweet boy that will call me mom. And I guess that's just going to have to be enough. 

There is no other name

Acts 4:12-14 Neither is there salvation in any other for there is none other name under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved. Now when they saw boldness of Peter and John and perceived that they were unlearned and ignorant men, they marveled: and they took knowledge of them, that they had been with Jesus. And beholding the man which was healed standing with them, they could say nothing against it. 
       There could be no mistake about the fact that these men had seen Jesus. They were BOLD in their faith. Scripture says they spoke boldly the word of God. Everything about them screamed Jesus! Then the people see this man standing among them healed and could find no other explanation then the name of Jesus! Even back then they were persecuted because of their faith. Peter and John were even arrested because they were using the name of Jesus. But they couldn't find any reason to keep them so they had to set them free!
       Its the same with our modern day Kim Davis she was boldly speaking the word of God (that God is thinks being gay is a sin) and she was arrested for it, but had to be set free because they had no reason to keep her! (This is not a story about Kim Davis.)
        I want to be that kind of BOLD. I don't want to have people ask me if I am a Christian I want them to know that I have seen Jesus. I don't want to be timid in my faith but be able to talk freely about my faith with out the fear of what people think. People are always going to persecute me because of my faith, it is what the scripture says. But I don't want the guilt of not speaking when I feel lead to. I want to speak out BOLDly as the voice of God leads me.

In another's words:

And as they were speaking to the people, the priests and the captain of the temple and the Sadducees came upon them, ² greatly annoyed because they were teaching the people and proclaiming in Jesus the resurrection from the dead. ³ And they arrested them and put them in custody until the next day, for it was already evening. ⁴ But many of those who had heard the word believed, and the number of the men came to about five thousand. (v. 1-4)

John MacArthur writes on How to Handle Persecution :
“The church has suffered persecution ever since what we’re going to see in Acts Chapter 4 began at all. Persecution (in America) is subtle today. It’s not what it used to be. Satan usually directs the persecution today not at the physical body, but at the ego. He directs his persecution at pride or acceptance or status, etc. And it’s really very effective.
He doesn’t threaten the Christian by saying if you witness, I’ll cut your head off. He threatens the Christian by planting within his mind the fact that if you witness you might lose your job or your status or somebody might think you’re strange…
Today the persecution that comes is more effective. It doesn’t make heroes out of anybody. And it’s a sad thing, while the church today is not being killed physically, the church has succumbed to a kind of living spiritual death…
Persecution always results in growth. Mark that. That has to be the beginning thing, because that’s your commitment to do what’s right even if persecution is involved. Persecution results in growth for many reasons. Number one, it strips off all of the dead weight. If you’re a part of a group of people that are having to lay their lives on the line for Jesus Christ, then we’re only going to have people in that group who are willing to do that, right?
And part of the problem of the church today are all the tares that are sown among the wheat and the easiest way to get rid of the tares is just to make the wheat pay the price…or make the church pay the price of total discipleship and the tares will just drop off because they’re not really that committed and don’t want to get that involved. And so as a church is persecuted, it is purified. The waste is stripped off, false believers leave, the strong are left and God works freely through them.”

A before and after

    My life has been a mix of ups and downs on the roller coaster of life. I know for a fact that I am not perfect, you can see it in the wreckage of my past. I have plenty of skeletons in the closet and scars on my heart. But as we are looking at my past you can also see how much I have grown and changed and became the young women and mother I am today.
     I am still a work in progress and I am learning new lessons very day. And I could not have done any of this on my own. If it wasn't for Jesus I would be down a very very dark path! The lesson I learned today, during my bible study time, is that I should look differently then who I was before Jesus.
     Acts 3:10 says "And they knew that it was he which sat for alms a the Beautiful gate of the temple and they were filled with wonder and amazement at that which happened unto him."
     Peter and John had just healed this man (through the power of Christ). He had been lame since birth and was carried to the temple everyday to beg. But when Peter and John came by they didn't have money for them but something much more incredible!
    "...silver and gold I have none; but such as I have give I thee: In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth rise up and walk!" Acts 3:6

     He jumped up from his mat and he ran and jumped into the temple to pray. And every one saw this man who they knew to be the one sitting and begging. Now he was so different! He was running and jumping and he was headed to the temple to pray! All they had to do was take one look at this man to tell that he was different and that it was Jesus who saved him!
    I want my life to look like that. I want people to say hey that's the girl who used to _________,  and  _____________, but look at her now! I know I still have a long way to go and a lot of times I have no idea what direction is going to get me there! But I know that sometimes its "not for me to know the or the seasons (Acts 1: 7)."  So I will take comfort in knowing that God has me in his hands and every thing is going to be ok.


Someone elses words :)

      But Peter said, “I have no silver and gold, but what I do have I give to you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk!” (v. 6)
JR Miller writes:  “We may study the way Peter showed kindness to the beggar. There are a good many people who cannot give money to the needy–but they need not therefore do nothing. “Silver and gold have I none–but what I have–that give I you,” said Peter. He was a poor man. He had left all to follow Christ. He had no money with him that day to give to any beggar, and he might have heaved a sigh, dropped a tear, and then passed on to his evening prayers. But that was not what Peter did. He did not conclude that because he had no money with him, therefore he could not do anything for the poor man. He would give what he had to give.
      Money is not the only thing people need. It usually the poorest alms that can be given. Kind words are better, love and sympathy are finer. So far as we know, Jesus never gave money to anyone–and yet there never was such another giver of blessings as He was. We cannot impart the same large measure of help that Jesus gave–but we can give the same kind of help. There is not one of us who cannot give to other things, which will enrich their lives far, more than if we put money into their hands. We can give a cheering word, if nothing else, to some weary one in the way; a word will brighten his heart for many a long mile. Courage put into a tired heart, sympathy into a sorrowing heart–are better than any gift of gold. None of us are too poor to give something to others. If we cannot give silver or gold–we can certainly give love and sympathy, which are better than money.”

Stop telling me it's going to get better

They keep telling me, it will get better.

"He will sleep better" 

"He won't eat as much or need changed as much." 

"He won't sleep as much during the day" 

"He will talk and laugh and play more." 

Stop telling me it will get better! 

I don't mind waking up in the middle of the night 3 times to the cutest face I've ever seen. 

I don't mind stopping what I'm doing to feed him 20 times a day. 

I don't mind getting peed on and accidentally stick my hand in poo. 

I don't mind the outfits we go through and the Thousands of things I will never get done. 

I enjoy seeing him smile and hear the coos. 

I love talking to him and just staring at his face. 

I love this boy to death. He has my entire heart. I'm wrapped around that little finger of his.

So don't mind me. I'll change his diaper, I'll feed him, because it really can't get better then this. 

Those words I couldn't say.

We lost my grandpa in July of this year....

We went in for a normal doctors visit and left with some hard news. He needed surgery on his leg it was as serious as his leg or his life. The doctor was sure he could save both. He was confident. He was wrong. 

We went in that day expecting him to come out healed and ready to go home in a few days. Instead the doctor said he couldn't do it. He failed. We took him home that day. Our family gathered around and we tried to smile and make it seem like all was ok. But I couldn't say those words. 

I couldn't say it was ok. 

I couldn't say it was all going to be fine. 

I couldn't say let go. 

I couldn't say goodbye. 

I was selfish I wanted my grandpa to stay. I wanted him to see the great grandson that would be born 6 days after his death. I wanted him to be at my wedding. To say I love you one last time. I didn't get that. Instead this man that I loved so much is now in heaven. He is free of pain and walking the streets of gold. He is playing cards with my uncle dean and standing next to his parents. 

I didn't get the answer to my prayers, I got even better. He is in a place better then I could imagine. All my tears from missing him are nothing compared to the joy he is feeling watching down on his great grandson or the painless days he is having. Thank you God for not answering my prayers. 

In memory of:

Lawrence Marvin Bockhorn